Changed for the better
reflections on wicked, pop stardom, and romantic relationship
A good friend of mine recommended that I write my thoughts on here, as opposed to solely posting them on the ephemeral close friends list. In the past, the folks on this list have ranged from acquaintances I went to college with, men I’m interested in but have never spoken to, and, finally, an actual close friend. We met on the first day of undergrad, bonded by our desire to make friends and our #latinidad. So, naturally, I trust her judgment more than the men who may or may not like my story, and here I am now.
Recently I watched Wicked, the movie musical adaptation of the stage show. Its press run has ran for what seems to be ages now. When we all first heard about the cosmically-destined connection between Ariana Grande & Ethan Slater, I myself was in the throes of developing deeper feelings for someone, learning to relate deeply to another’s personhood. Miss Grande seems to have been experiencing a similar phenomenon, both in relating to her co-star and future beau, but, perhaps, more importantly, relating to her own personhood.
Before the pop star of it all and the grandification of her persona, Ariana Grande was Ariana Grande-Butera, a Boca Ratón girl with a great interest of Broadway. As a teen, she debuted on the stage, performing in the musical 13. From there, she became a Nickelodeon star, playing the ever-confused Cat Valentine. Toward the end of her acting gig on the child network, she recorded and released her debut album, Yours Truly.
A common thread throughout this journey for her was her appreciation of Wicked, developing a formative love for the stage play through childhood into adulthood. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, she shares why she decided to be credited as Grande-Butera for her role as Glinda the Good:
That was my name when I first saw Wicked… And I do feel like this role and this project helped me sort of come home to little Ari. And maybe little pieces of her got lost along the way in this crazy industry. And I am so grateful for the ways in which this experience led me back. So I kind of just wanted to capture that.
Presently, it is about a year and a half since the debacle of the pairing between Grande-Butera and Slater began. Similarly, it has been that same time frame since I decided I wanted to pursue someone who was living 2000+ miles away from me. While the former pair has remained romantically connected, I have experienced the development of a crush, to like, to really really like, to love, to friends, to no contact (for now). My therapist says the shift of a relationship can come with grief. In holding that grief, I realize I am indebted to Ariana and her performance as Glinda.
Like many others in my Gen-Z generation (yes, 1997 counts), I first became acquainted with Ariana through her roles on Nickelodeon. Pop culture™️ meta dictates that every young gay boy is gifted with a main pop girl to stan for life, through thick and thin. This appointing of the gift usually happens in a boy’s early teen years. Sometimes you get the Taylor Swifts of the world; other times, you get the Zara Larssons.
I received the former, but, had this twenty-year-old woman with a noticeable lack of enunciation skills released the R&B-infused pop delicacy “The Way” a year or two earlier, my life could have played out differently. Although being assigned to Taylor, fresh in her genre-bending, pop-aspiring era of RED, Ariana’s journey and mine would come to be eternally intertwined upon the release of her debut single.
Following her movements through subsequent single releases and album projects, I unknowingly became a loyal fan. I say unknowingly because my affinity for Taylor was something I purposefully cultivated. Whereas with Ariana, I did not realize how loyal I was until 2017, years removed from her debut. I had bought her records and had attended every tour since the My Everything era. In some ways, I was an… arianator.
Not to tl;dr a span of traumatic, chaos-inducing years, Ariana and I were going. through. it. around 2018/2019. I took solace in her tweets describing how fucked up things are, yet finding moments of gratitude. Refuge in her fifth studio album, thank u, next, soon followed.
Fast forward a couple of years to the present, and skipping the once-forgotten, now-appreciated-by-me era of positions, Ariana not only stars but glows in Wicked.
About two days removed from my viewing of the movie musical, I sit here in thought: introspective about life and its seasons; grappling with the uncertainty of what may become of my former partner and myself; reconnecting with my own younger version and his interests now as an adult; and, lastly, genuflecting through reflection on the stardom of Ariana Grande.
Wicked confronts the reality of what it means to be intertwined with another’s soul, yet allowing each of you to part ways if life leads you in such directions. There is a recognition of the honor to have shared space with someone, but, ultimately, we are called to do what is right for us and by us. Sometimes, this means a continuation of this connection to another’s personhood. Other times, and perhaps sadder, it does not. Through the latter, it may be necessary in order to discover the depths of your own soul — what brims your spirit with joy, what angers you so much that you want to run until your body gives out, what makes you tickle in the presence of others.
Said with full acknowledgement of its cheesiness, a parting may be necessary in order to defy gravity.
During the positively cataclysmic final scene of Wicked: Part 1, Elphaba, played with a simultaneous balance of sensitivity and assertiveness by Cynthia Erivo, sings in unison with Grande-Butera’s Glinda. They share in a rendition of “Defying Gravity”, with Erivo taking the lead.
There is a moment between the two that caught my attention, one in which both characters hold onto the flying broom that could bring them to safety and away from the guards who chase them. Elphaba is sure of herself, rooted in her decision to help the animal community of Oz. She invites Glinda to join her. Elphaba sings: Unlimited. Together we’re unlimited. Together we’ll be the greatest team there’s ever been, Glinda. Dreams the way we planned them.
Glinda responds, in song: If we work in tandem
Together now: There’s no fight we cannot win. Just you and I, defying gravity. With you and I defying gravity.
It was in this moment that Ariana’s journey, running parallel to mine since I was a high school freshman, intersected.
There is a distinct twinkle in Glinda’s eyes as she sings the chorus, looking into Elphaba’s pupils and then toward the sky. Characterization-wise, the look on her face demonstrates an understanding of Elphaba’s actions, as well as a desire to defy gravity with her. As Ariana Grande-Butera, the young girl from Boca Ratón, I sensed this specific part was a moment of homecoming to herself, a return to the little Ari she speaks on in the aforementioned interview.
Watching the original stage adaptation of Wicked as a child and, through the years, consistently expressing a desire to be able to play even a small role in some reprisal of it — who was to know she would come to play Glinda the Good in the long-awaited movie adaptation of the show?
In that moment, there was a culmination of this, and, in being witness to this, I felt comfort. Comfort in knowing that I currently do not know what life may bring me and my relationships, but wonderful pathways are still possible.
Elphaba goes on to escape the guards, powerfully evoking emotion through lyric as the scene continues. Glinda, being captured by the guards, chooses/decides to stay back (I like to leave this up to interpretation).
It is here that their paths are no longer intertwined. In song, each wishes that the other is happy with their decision.
Much like Ariana and I in 2018/2019, I am presently thankful for what her artistic pursuits have done for me. Having initiated a no contact phase with my former partner, the film has provided a timely framework to reflect through.
I have been viewing Elphaba as a direct analogy to my former partner. In “Defying Gravity”, Elphaba sings: Something has changed within me. Something is not the same.
As partners, we have grown as individuals. I have cherished anything and everything about him and our time together: visiting the plethora of arboretums that Southern California has to offer; holding hands on the NYC subway — squeezing the gaps in between his knuckles, unknowingly recreating a childhood experience he shared with his mother; meeting his sister and being introduced to her friends as, this is [former partner]’s partner; observing him tie and untie a pink durag until it sat perfectly on his head, when it was perfect the first time he knotted it by simple virtue of him being the one to do the tying; attentively waiting for each “mhm” he would give in conversation, always accompanied by a slight nod of his head, being enamored by something mundanely filled with charm; blessing the telephone each time it cut distance (and kept him up past his bedtime); and, within this context, most important of all, laying next to him in his undergrad dorm as Ariana’s positions vinyl overlooked my every move on the shelf next to us.
Not in spite of all this, but, in part because of these experiences, I hope something has changed within him. Simultaneously, I hope something has also changed within him irrespective of our experience together, through the life he is choosing to live. There is a melancholic pride in being witness to his steadfast commitment to himself, as it has led to our parting. However, much like Elphaba and Glinda at the end of Wicked: Part 1, I trust that we hope the other is happy.
Coincidentally, as I was writing this piece, my close friend who encouraged me to write on Substack was at a screening of the film. Soon afterwards, she messaged me her thoughts. Unprompted, she says to me that she views me as Elphaba. In the midst of the potential permanent dissolution of a romantic partnership, I grieve, but, there have also been momentous developments with my family, a meaningful seeking of support in my friends/community, and a returning to of my pursuits. Don’t get me wrong — this is terribly sad. But, in breaking up, I have received so much. A parting between my former partner and myself was perhaps necessary to bring such fruition.
Having said that, I do not know what the future may bring for us. I grapple with the uncertainty of potentially not having the opportunity to relate to him as a partner once more. Through my reflections, though, Wicked has helped me process.
Observing Ariana come home to herself has inspired me to do the same. Being at the sidelines of her journey reminds me that we do not know what life may bring us, and, still, anything is possible.
Elphaba and Glinda, despite separating, have been forever changed by the other. Much like the lyrics of “For Good”:
Because I knew you I have been changed for good. It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part: so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.
Through partnership, I have been changed for the better. Whatever life may bring me, I am hopeful.
[a formal apology to all who read — moving forward I promise to keep my parasocial adorations to a minimum.]